


Better

by Villainsaremorefun



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Angst, Bipolar Disorder, M/M, Medication
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-11
Updated: 2016-07-11
Packaged: 2018-07-22 20:45:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,687
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7453386
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Villainsaremorefun/pseuds/Villainsaremorefun
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Alexander doesn't need medication.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Better

Alexander doesn't need medication.

Alexander  _ doesn't  _ need medication.

Alexander doesn't  _ need  _ medication.

He shouldn't be toying with the sentence in his head, not when he's meant to be working. He doesn't want to work. Work is slow. Work is the _ tick tick tick  _ of the clock on his desk. The  _ tick tick tick  _ that's so horribly slow. He hates the  _ tick tick tick  _ of the clock. It drags and it echoes. 

Echo.

He's surprised he can hear the echo over the bubbling din of thoughts in his head, but it's loud. His head is a cave and his thoughts are the bats. If they are the bats that means that the  _ tick tick tick  _ is a cautious hiker, shouting inside.

_ Go away, hiker. Go. _

He hates the clock. He'll get rid if it eventually. No. He'll get rid of it now.

Then the clock is in the little trash can and there's a month's worth of papers over it so he can't hear the  _ tick tick tick. _

Good. No more. He wants quiet, but there won't be quiet. He can hear it all. Everything is so big and loud and bright but he likes it. If he reaches up, he can feel the air brushing against his fingertips.

Cold and light. He likes that. It makes him smile.

He's not thinking about what he looks like, sat at his desk that is messier than usual with his hands in the air and a dreamy grin on his face. He's not thinking about what John will say when he finds out that he's not been taking his medication.

Alexander doesn't need medication.

_ Alexander doesn't need medication. _

**_Alexander doesn't need medication._ **

He's playing with that sentence again. He should be paying attention because he's in a meeting but he wants to be outside, running around until his lungs burn and he's weak at the knees.

He starts kicking his legs under the table to alleviate it, muttering under his breath that the carpet isn't good enough.

He's kicked something. By Jefferson’s glare, he's pretty sure it's his leg. He beams in response. Moody Jefferson. He's not moody now. He's not a zombie any more. Medication makes him a zombie. He doesn't want to be a zombie.

He doesn't notice he's talking aloud until George puts his hand on his arm. He tugs his arm away, rubbing at the skin as if he'd been stung. He manages to keep his monologue internal from that point, but it isn't making George’s worried expression go away.

Everybody worries. John worries because he's Alexander’s boyfriend and he's supposed to worry. Laf worries because they worry about everything. Hercules worries because he's Alexander’s friend and wants the best for him. George worries because Alexander is like his son and also they work together so he needs to do his job properly. 

He doesn't like it when they worry. When they worry, they ask questions.

_ How are you feeling? _

_ Have you gotten your prescription filled? _

_ Have you seen your therapist? _

_ Why aren't you going to her any more? _

_ Why did you run into traffic? _

_ Are you coming out of your room? _

_ How long have you felt like this? _

_ Do you want me to call your therapist? _

_ Have you taken your medication? _

Medication. Hiding. Therapist. Doctor. Traffic. Therapy.

_ Why why why  _ **_why why WHY WHY WHY?_ **

He doesn't have the reasons they want. 

They want him to tell him that he's feeling fine. 

They want him to tell them that he's gotten it filled and he'll be fine for a month. 

They want him to tell them that he's seeing Dr. Schuyler.

They want him to tell them that he'll start going immediately.

They want him to tell them that it was an accident and he was just trying to cross the busy street. 

They want him to tell them that yes, he is coming out and he'll throw a party while he's at it.

They want him to tell them that it's just a temporary thing and he'll be fine in no time.

They want him to tell them that he's doing so well, he doesn't need them to call her.

They want him to tell them that yes, he is taking his medication like a good little boy and he'll be alright in no time.

_ Alexander doesn't need medication. _

**_Alexander doesn't need medication._ **

**_ALEXANDER DOESN'T NEED MEDICATION._ **

John is noticing.

He's watched as he goes into the bathroom. He's only glad that he never took medication in front of John in the first place so he didn't know.

He's watched as he does something odd. He doesn't register it as odd. It's not his fault that he's full of energy, fizzing yellow bubbles that make him want to jump everywhere. He's not very in control, so he usually does end up jumping.

_ John is noticing _ .

It's bad. It's really bad. John can't know. If John knows, he'll have to take medication again. If John knows, he'll be sluggish and tired and sick again. If John knows, he'll be sent back to Dr. Schuyler and she'll question him until he wants to crawl under the couch and vanish forever.

Dr. Schuyler is nice. She's firm and stern, but she's gentle and she knows his boundaries, which is nice. He likes her office because he can lay face down in the nest of cushions and enjoy the smell of her floral candles.

They don't have candles in the apartment any more. He burned himself with one accidentally  _ on purpose  _ and John took them away once he saw the burn on his wrist. John. John who he loves. John who must stay oblivious. John who cares.  _ John who cares too much.  _ Is it too much? He's not sure if he worth everything John does for him. He's not sure if he's anything but a burden or a pity project.

He's a burden to everyone when he's manic.

_ He's not manic. He's not. He's not having an episode. He's coping. Not an episode. Not an episode. Not an  _ **_episode._ **

**_MEDICATION??? DON'T NEED. NOT FOR ALEXANDER. COPING. NO MEDICATION._ ** _ c o p i n g _

The fluorescent lights make him look sickly. The linoleum floor is tacky and sticky under his palms but he doesn't mind. His forehead is pressed to the cold glass and it feels nice. He can hear the tinny muzak over the crackly speakers. It's a soothing lullaby.

It was three in the morning when he walked out. He just got up out of bed and left the apartment (and John). He started walking, barefoot and in a pair of sweats and baggy Adventure Time shirt. He sang as he walked, not noticing the cold against his arms or the soles of his feet, not noticing the empty streets or the time. 

The bright lights of the all night store pulled him in, and now he's sitting with his head against the door to the display case of frozen deserts. The underpaid, fatigued employee is ignoring him.

The song from Pinnochio is stuck in his head and he keeps singing it into the glass. He's free. He's not fretting or frowning. No medication. So strings. And he feels fine.

Fii _ iiiine. _

Yes. Fine. Nice. Lovely. Great. 

He's not tired, no no. He hasn't slept in a long time but he feels good. 

He's not sad any more. He hasn't been to work in a few days, but that's okay. He made a call and told them. Maybe they didn't take him seriously. He was giggling a lot. John doesn't know about work. He goes to the park when he's meant to be working. He sits with the ducks and the pond and thinks about joining them, before telling them poems. He hopes that they like poems.

He stops singing.

He stops being conscious.

He stops sitting upright.

The employee ignores him.

_ john is mad and dr. schuyler is mad and herc is mad and laf is mad and george is mad. they all hate you because you're reckless and stupid and irresponsible.  john won't love you any more. he's going to leave you all alone. _

John is saying his name and John is touching his shoulder and John is touching his face and John is trying not to cry and John is failing at that.

He wants to ask what's wrong but nothing will work and he wants to go back and hide because  _ John knows. _

John is kissing his face and John is asking him questions and John is gething worried when he doesn't answer.

Nothing will work and he wants to go back and hide because  _ John knows. _

He manages one word.

_ Sorry. _

_ Medication. Therapy. Necessary. Episode. Recovery. John. Hurt. Sad. Hide. Gone. Finished. _

He hasn't left the house in days.

He hasn't eaten properly in days.

He hasn't showered in days.

He hasn't said anything in days.

He doesn't want to do anything.

It's always like this. He crumples in on himself until he wants to disappear but he never really does. John helps to pull him back from those feelings.

He's trying. He's trying not to hurt John more. He's trying not to worry John more.

He doesn't know if it's working, but John comes home from work every day and sits with him in bed and fills the silence because he doesn't want to speak.

John is gentle and caring. John isn't going. John wants him.

_ Stop apologising. Just get used to the meds again. We'll get through this episode just like we have all the others. _

He thinks about that when he's sad. He's sad a lot. He doesn't think about that part. He doesn't think about lots of things now. Things like what he's going to say to John. Things like what he's going to tell George. Things like what he's going to tell his therapist.

John is first.

_ I love you and I'm sorry. I'll take my meds properly and I'll let you know when I feel myself veering again. I'm sorry for being a burden. _

He's a burden. He's an uncomfortable weight.

_ You're not a burden. _


End file.
